The last few years have led to something we’re thinking of  calling the DePrivitazation of Privates, or at least of panties.  There’s Victoria’s eponymous fashion show…about that Secret? In name only, trust us. Sports isn’t immune…the Lingerie Football League  sports lots of chicks in corsets (and the magical tagline “true fantasy football”–NSFW, btw.)

So the furor over the events of yesterday, in which Venus Williams forgot to wear panties (and, incidentally, played tennis too) is a little funny to us.  OK, sure, her skirt had a front slit…and we couldn’t really see anything under it.  Including, actually, her butt.

Deadspin’s undercover (rimshot!) analysis is that she was wearing some kind of bodysuit or unitard-y type thing.  You can really always count on the Deadspin guys to do some in depth reporting.  And they do have the grace to make fun of themselves a bit. It’s the fact that the rest of the internet was blowing up that causes the big questionmark above our heads.

We know sports chicks are sex symbols, especially in tennis–hey Anna, whats up?–and the Williams sisters have pushed the envelope before, what with Serena’s fashion designs and all, but we have to say, what’s the percentage here?  If she’s most comfortable without panties….fine.  The bodysuit itself doesn’t actually have anything to do with anything…if she’d shocked America by lacking underwear, nobody should have cared.

Hell, if she’d been a man, nobody would even have noticed…

Fill in the blank, kiddies;

A) taking a brief nap on the court–multitasking is key!

B) channeling her inner kangaroo.  It is the Australian Open, after all. Three second later, she jumped.

C) Debating the dangly earrings choice.  On a tennis court? Really?

D) Just really really pissed off–she did lose, after all….

credit: (WILLIAM WEST/AFP/Getty Images)

We think we might have posted this title before, actually but this time we’re quite sure: steroids are now a non-story.

Mack McGuire, PED posterchild?  He’s come out of isolation, signed a contract to coach for the Cardinals, and is going to work out with the team in spring training–with the semi-tacit goal of being on the roster to pinch hit for a playoff run if one is in the offing, and let’s be honest, that’s happening.

Buster Olney blogged today that McGuire’s admissions were all but nonsensical, since he basically  said he used PEDs to stay healthy…but then they didn’t help his performance, no sir. That was all him.

The thing is? It doesn’t matter. Olney is not the only one to have noticed this discrepancy, but he’s the only one to write long and hard about it.   Most of the geenral public, even baseball fans, will read overwhelmingly positive coverage of this development.  (After all, Olney’s blog is only even available to ESPN Insiders…or, in our case, to the exgirlfriends of ESPN insiders who never change their passwords.)

This is all even though McGuire claimed he never heard anyone talking ‘roids in the lockerroom, yet also walked away anytime the topic came up. Hey, wait a second, if…hm….

The point? It doesn’t matter.  He’s working in baseball again, the era has drawn to a close. Now, truly, he no longer needs to talk about the past.

Imagine Derek Jeter’s sterling defense in 3D.  Now, imagine his amazing assets, if you will.

Happy yet?  OK, try Sharapova, if you must.

ESPN’s making your dream a reality, with a 3D TV network–the first of it’s kind–which will debut sometime this year. It will broadcast a minimum of 85 live sporting events, including the 2011 BCS championship game, the X games, and a bunch of World Cup matches.

No word on whether or not these games will continue to be broadcast the normal way as well, though we imagine that they will appear on regular ESPN as usual.

This technology has been in the works for a couple of years–lucky fans in a few movie theaters have seen 3D football, and if you go to USC, you may have watched a 3D presentation on your campus.

Usain and Lightening Bolt...get it? Get it?!?

OK, not really.  But, something like this is actually in the works: “Sources” say that Usain Bolt (fastest guy alive, adoptive parent of adorable cheetah named Lightning Bolt) might race Chris Johnson, of the Tennessee Titans (buyer of cars for his entire O-Line after his 2,000 yard rush season concluded yesterday.)

Our money is on Bolt, but…um…only sort of.    Johnson shattered the Titans’ record for rushing yards in a season, previously held by Earl Campbell with 1,934.  He also, meanwhile, broke Marshall Faulk’s NFL single-season record for total yards from scrimmage Have you SEEN Johnson recently? Nope, you haven’t.  You blinked and missed him!

Oooh, we know. Our wit slays.

The race would be run for charity, and would take place on a standard track.  Johnson was clocked at 4.24 on the forty at the 2008 NFL combine, and he wants a short race, at the most 60 yards.  Bolt, meanwhile, wants the race to be longer.  (Johnson’s longest run lately was a 91 yard TD run early in the season against the Texans.)

not seeing a hat of any kind...

When we think of the Olympic torch, we think of the fabulousness of photo finishes.  The dedication of athletes who devote their lives to sport.  OK, maybe that parade with the interesting outfits and the incredibly excited athletes from Togo, or the Marshall Islands….all three of them.  Here’s what we don’t think of: Over-moussed country singers who, as far as we know, have no special appreciation for sports.

Clearly, we’re not from Canada!

With all the important people and impressive athletes from Canada, the person chosen to light the Olympic cauldron, carrying the torch those final few crucial yards was…Shania Twain.  She seemed to do a decent job…she didn’t trip, or attempt to sing a high C, or anything.  When asked how she felt about the job, which she called “a highlight of my life,” Shania made a joke about..the weather.

We haven’t found pics, but we’re guessing her hat was pink.

Merry Christmas–or, if you’re us, happy holidays!

UPH is making a resolution for the New Year: at least five posts a week, no matter what.

We’ll be back in 2010!

Former Blue Jay’s pitcher Halladay wanted to say goodbye and thanks to his former fans, who stuck with him when he was really the only bright spot on a pretty terrible team that kept almost being half decent (the worst kind of team to root  for, in our humble opinion.)

He’s off to the Phillies, and he took out a full page newspaper ad to say thanks to his long-suffering fans.  Compare that, by the way, to Brett Favre, who’s headline on ESPN today involves him being miffed–still–that the Green Bay owners didn’t want to keep him.  Favre kicked the Packers around on national TV this year…twice.  And he said not a word about the fans who had lived and died with him, some of them for their entire lives.  (Seriously, how old is Favre?  He’s been QBing our entire football-following career, anyhow…)

Halladay, who was drafted by the Blue Jays back in 1995, said in the ad that he felt blessed to have been a part of the organization, and that he’d always have a special place in his heart for Toronto.

Here’s the ad, courtesy of Toronto Mike.

Lots of baseball news the past couple days, changing the complexion of a few teams.  We’ll run down what’s been done and offer a few suggestions…are you reading, managers?

Key Acquisitions

1. Hideki Matsui for the Angels: They needed a bat.  And by needed, we mean “for years and years.”  Even if people thought the Angels, until last year were just snakebitten by the Sox in the playoffs, that contention didn’t hold water after this year, when they kicked Sox butt…and then got their own handed to them by the Yankees.  The need was clearer than ever before, and Matsui, though he’s fading, will be enough of a boost.

2. Halladay, Lee, and a bunch of prospects: If the Phillies wanted to win in 2010, and never again, they’d have kept Lee, traded for Halladay…and kicked butt for a year, until free agency dismantled their tandem.  At f irst glance, this trade doesn’t make a huge difference to either team, since the two Cy Young guys are almost even in many stats (though Halladay’s a bit of a cut above in some respects).  What’ll make the difference here are the prospects, most of whom are top of the line, that have gone to the Blue Jays–the kind of guys who might actually make them a dynamic young team.

More to come…

We’ve been a bit AWOL, but felt the ned to weigh in on the recent story from our ne k of the woods (well, at least sort of.  Texas is pretty big.)  A high school senior in Ft. Worth who was likely in line for an NCAA volleyball scholarship has had to sit out games, because she’s pregnant.

It wasn’t her doctor who told her to sit out though–it was her coach.  She’s being benched until a doctor OKs her to play, but we’ve got to call shenanigans on that one.

First off, adults–eve nathletes–get pregnant all the time, and its their job to decide when they want to tell people and which doctors’ adice to take as to when to stop playing.  That’s a family matter, not any of the school’s business.

The other players–despite claiming to be this girl’s friends–are supporting the coach’s decision to sit her, despite the fact that nobody says she can’t play physically…they just need a doctor to tell them what’s already clear.  Basic biology says a healthy seventeen year old should be able to play such a sport at least for the first couple of months of the pregnancy.  That’s what the girl and her parents have both sai  Their suing in Federal court, claiming Title IX has been violated.

We think that’s a bit much, honestly.  Title IX is meant to provide parity for women in sports as opposed to male athletes, and as much as we’re clearly in favor of it, we also recognize that women and men’s bodies do different things.  Like, say, male pattern baldness.  And, in fact, pregnancy.  We don’t see a violation of Title IX in trying to deal with a pregnancy, at least not automatically.  Obviously, you can’t have complete parity here.  After all, men don’t get pregnant, so we can see where the rules would be hazy.

But the coach clearly doesn’t want her to play, or he’d take her parents’ word, have them all sign some lovely release forms, and bump, set, spike away.  THAT’S the real issue here.

The bottom line? Pregnant athletes are still athletes right up until they can’t or don’t want to be.  If her play is affected, the coach has every right to, like coaches everywhere, bench her.  For poor play, whatever the cause.  But her play,by all accounts including his, is not affected as yet.

Not to mention, of course, she’s good enough that she’s competing for scholarships. Not getting to play for scouts right now is damaging her higher educational opportunities.

Let Mackenzie play.  She’s going to have a tough enough row to hoe, between the publicity and–oh, right–the baby.  Let her earn her scholarship if she can, just like any other athlete.

THAT’s called parity.

Rumors have been flying.  He was drunk.  No, he wasn’t, but the injuries came from his wife hitting him and his car with the golf club.  No, wait…

Well, today Woods released a statement: He has, apparently, and we quote, “transgressed”.  He’s “far from perfect.”  He has “let his family down.”

Here’s what he doesn’t say: “I had an affair. A big, stupid affair that was reported in the National Enquirer, that went on for a long time.”

Athletes cheat.  We imagine, honestly, that it’s a fact of life if you’re married to one, and the marriages that work are the ones that talk honestly about temptation and establish clear-cut rules.  (e.g.. Strip clubs, sure, but happy endings not so much.)  Ignoring the issue–any issue–can be toxic to a relationship, and this issue is bigger than most.

We wish Tiger and his family the best. But if Tiger thinks any woman with half a brain doesn’t know exactly what went on?  Tiger’s “personal failings” are pretty clear.

Of course, nobody wants Woods’ image tarnished beyond repair–he’s an important icon for sports as a whole and for golf (the ultimate country-club, good ol’ boy sport, except maybe polo) in particular.  And he’ll recover just fine.

Feminist rhetoric is vilifying Woods for an affair or affairs. Far be it from us to join in.  But knowing what we know about the culture of professional sports…is anyone surprised?

This week, in haiku form!

We kicked some butt hard.

still one more spot ’til first place.

playoff berth clinch–yep.